That’s me. Somewhere along the path of life I developed incredible stamina, learned to hold out under enormous amounts of pressure. I know it. Those who know me well have commented on it. I’m not the crumbling type. Opposition just makes me that much more determined to come out fighting on top.
Sometimes, people wonder if I ever lose my composure. Calm, calculating, rising to the occasion, I do have an incredible knack for controlling myself. Even if quaking with fear inside, I usually have the mental ability to take hold of the feeling, step on, pulverize and flatten it, then move on. I’m rarely a blubbering, tear-stained mess.
Every strength has its weakness. This particular strength is also my “besetting sin.” This particular pattern of living often takes life from me. I can die inside when I exercise too much “control” over life.
Often with chronic illness, pressure and demands of life mount up against me. Instead of acknowledging the battle, of asking for help, instead of softening, taking into account my own limitations, instead of addressing the underlying doubts and fears that seep in and shape my sub-conscious conclusions, I whip out my (figurative) helmet, grab my shield, pull on boots for a strange sort of battle.
I try my best to not let “it” get to me. I try my best to keep “it” from controlling my life. I try to push “it” down, lock “it” up, avoid “it” however I can.
No one wants to be controlled and tossed around by life’s situations and circumstances! Sometimes, I’m not good at being soft, at allowing feelings in. When life is constantly throwing difficulties at me, I get tired of feeling, of facing loss, of “it.”
I often don’t realize I’ve hardened myself for that particular type of battle until things get bad enough that I break. And then I realize: the best battle I can fight is by letting “it” hit me. Some things must be entered into if I am to find freedom, closure, peace, my feet.
Sigh. So I must remember to not block feelings, difficulty, pain but instead, run to the Father’s throne with them. After all, I’m not alone in this life! Oh to remember and live by this truth!