Part B: Burnout

Part 3

I took my time driving home, stopping here and there to see friends and a sibling or two. I shared with my brother about the fatigue I was experiencing. His wife was experiencing strange symptoms, even passing out randomly because of loud noises, experiencing such back pain that it almost drove her crazy, claiming she felt like something was crawling all through her body. It was there that they had wondered if it could be parasite related. I began doing a parasite cleanse with them.

Within days, black specks were coming through in my stools, even passing some worms. During this time I often went out into their beautiful area and did more photography, always packing a .22 pistol on account of the planted wolves that had risen out of control. It was on one of these outings that I realized my body was weak and breath was growing short. I could sleep for hours.

I left my brother’s house and headed out for 1 wk of camp. I was shocked to find I couldn’t do it. I had to leave and rest. All the while I continued taking the parasite cleanse tincture of wormwood, walnut, clove, grapefruit seed. Breaking. I was breaking down. I couldn’t play basketball. And I couldn’t believe it. My stamina was leaving me. After a short game on the small, outdoor court I was too exhausted to carry on with cabin leader responsibilities.

When I left the camp after that week of work, I was worried. “I’m falling apart…this is not just emotional exhaustion.” I said goodbye with trembling in my heart. Perhaps rest would help. Perhaps. So I crashed at the little converted milk shed 1 mile from my parents place, on a neighboring farm. I still had younger brothers and sisters at home and space would be a good thing. I was still exercising in attempt to strengthen my core and prepare for that trick-riding adventure that awaited me. And I knew exactly which horse I was going to use.

 

Part 4

Summer was the darkest hole I’ve ever been in. Upon returning home, I continued working my body 1 hr every day, plus a run afterward in anticipation of the summer. I was very excited about trick riding. I’d always admired gymnasts but was given a stocky and inflexible body. I wanted to pursue trick riding as a hobby, a thrill for the summer.

Upon returning home I soon wore out. The gelding started on his training program but soon after we quit. My legs wouldn’t hold up long enough to train him even for ½ hour.

Dead. It only got worse from there. Unknown to at the time, I was experiencing a herx reaction and my liver was overloaded from the parasite cleanse. What I needed was detoxification but I didn’t know of such things. My body and brain felt so dead, fogged in. It was all so foreign. I didn’t have energy to be around others. I snapped so easily, was moody and though I attempted to be unselfish my body always got the best of me. I’ve loved kids my entire life. Now they annoyed me with their unpredictability, their energy and loud voices. I couldn’t handle it. This added to the stress involved in relationships: I wasn’t safe to be around and I knew it. Extra effort and energy went into controlling my moods when other were present which led to further exhaustion.

I had never been a moody person but was a stable, caring person. This irritated, finicky person was a shock. Everyone knew something had changed. I spent enormous amounts of time sleeping. My skin had taken on an orange yellow tinge. I had black bags under each of my eyes and I could hardly do the 30 minute trip into town or go visiting.

Going from a strong body to a broken one is difficult. I wrestled, constantly wrestled with the fear that I was dying. I had been a strong, confident person before. Now, I hardly had the energy to roam the hills and fields around the valley. Sports were not an option. I couldn’t run. People drained me. I wanted to be alone; at least I didn’t have to fight to control my irritation. Life was falling apart.